Just not right...

I dont even know how to explain things right now except they are just not right....
I have been having a horrible time with things lately and I cant seem to get over stuff. I have been very angry lately. Not only with normal stuff but I just cant seem to get over losing the baby. I have really tried to not be jelous of ALL my friends who are pregnant and who have just had babies and I seem to do well with it most of the time but I do not seem to be able to completely get over this. I am glad that I have not have had to many depressed moments but the angry and jelous moments are the ones that are killing me. I feel bad about the way I feel. I think I am going to try and get into some counselling from work. Hopefully that will help me out with this. I do feel better now that I am able to write this all down and get it out.

I have other issues to deal with as well. Andy has been really terrible lately. I swear he thinks that I am his maid. He has not been helpful around the house at all recently. When I have talked with him about he helps for the day and then he goes right back to the same crap. I finally got really mad at him this past weekend and told him how I felt again. Of course he was a bit more helpful, but he makes a huge show of it. He thinks that since I get home earlier than him I should be fine with picking up his messes, doing his dishes, laundry and cooking his food. All he has been doing is coming home, eating, playing on his dang computer and then going to the garage to work out. MOstly he is playing on the computer whish is really annoying since he is hooked on some stupid computer game for a 8 year old. I just said screw it and he is sleeping in the spare room. I have had enough of the talking till I am blue in the face, now I will just let him stay in the spare room till I am not irriatated anymore. Who knows how long that will be though since I didnt speak to him all weekend until late last night and was just barely, and he messed up again this morning. It was really stupid too... I had some cash in my wallet and he took it without asking like he always does, and then he denied it. He was the only one who could have done it so why lie about it?? I would have given him the money anyways if he had just asked but of course he has to be all shady about it. Its stupid and I am sick of his childishness as well.

OK well I feel somewhat better now that I have written everything down. I will talk to you again soon.

Life goes on.....

Well this last month has not gone well for us.... We ended up losing our baby..... There was something wrong from the beginning which I knew...it just took the doctors forever to figure it out. Anyways, its been a rough time for us but we are doing ok now. Well I am anyways... I keep trying to tell myself it happened for a reason but I am still jelous when I see all my friends having babies or getting pregnant. I am trying really hard to get over that, but it is difficult for me. Well thats all I have to say right now I guess, I know its shocking right :o)

7 weeks

Well this weekend we officially hit the 7 week mark, or so they say....
Things have been sooo hectic lately its not even funny! Work has sucked since so many people have been on vacation and out sick. It has really taken a tole on me and my body, I am super tired. Today was the first day I actually threw up. It was terrible! I have been sick the entire time but today I couldnt handle it and I barfed my guts out before I left for work. I was sick all morning. I got home kinda early and I tried to take a nap but of course that didnt work out for me, so now I am on here trying to think of something to make for dinner and edging closer and closer to take out as the hours tick by....
Did get some interesting news yesterday though.. Andy's sister is also pregnant. She is 14 weeks and just now chose to tell us. Who knows why, I am sure she had something dramatic planned like waiting till she had the kid before telling us it was theirs, but who knows.
Anyways, we are still super duper excited for this baby and I pray to god the next 7 months hurrys up!
Oh I almost forgot!! Our friends had their baby girl yesterday! They named her Anna and she is just sooo cute! I cant wait to go see her, maybe this weekend.
Ok well time to go, SO just texted to say he has to go to Seattle tonight so its just us girls for dinner, I think I will get Chinese.....

A little dissapointed.....

Well today was my first apt with the nurse and I am not very happy. The nurse wanted me to have an ultrasound so she was able to get me in right away and they didnt see ANYTHING. Well I guess the saw the "sac" but that was it. The u/s tech seems to think that I am just at 5 weeks. I know this is not possible since I know the few times exactly that we were "together". Anyways, they checked my blood level and said that they will have the results back in a couple of days and not to worry or stress, yea right!! She said they were not worried at all because the "sac" was perfect looking and everything else was normal. It is just so discouraging to see the little sac with nothing there....
I did talk with a couple of nurse friends who said that it is completely normal to not see anything at 5 weeks and that if I had lost the baby then my pregnancy symptoms should have gone away. I guess its a good thing I was still sick as hell this morning and my ta ta's hurt like nobodys business, at least thats a good sign. I felt sooo bad though, Andy came with me and it really sucked for him tobe so excited and then be let down. I dont want to talk about it either, so I guess we will just wait for a couple of days and see if my blood test results show all is ok.

God I hope so.....

Another day

Well today has gone by soooo slowly it seems. I am a nervous wreck right now. The last two days I have been so sick its not even funny, then today I feel wonderful. Not one problem. I have not even been as hungry today as I usually am. Now it has me thinking something is wrong. Not that I already didnt have that problem, but now I am super stressed. I just cant help it! I try everyday to think positive and not worry but I cant. I pray every second I think about it that this baby will stick and we will hear the heart beat and everything with this pregnancy will be fine. I just cant wait till Monday, I think I am going to go insane! Its all I can think about! I am so far behind on my charting for work its not even funny! I was going to work on it tonight but I had to do a transfer on my computer which I started about an hour ago and it is still not even half way finished. Thats what I get for waiting all week, now there is a ton of updates. I am sure my boss will call me tomorrow and yell at me about it but I dont care.
Ok well I should go since I have to get online and fill out my paper work for my OB apt. on Thursday. I will talk to you soon.

6 weeks today

Well I have hit the 6 week mark and so far so good. Besides for the horrible morning sickness that I have been experiencing the last few days I am ok. I have been tired but thats mostly my fault since I have been napping during the day when I get home from work and then staying up late at night, I cant sleep. I have been going for walks with Julie the last could of nights, we are going to do it until we cant anymore so we can try and lose weight for her and keep in shape for me. It has been making me feel better though and I like that.
I did call and make another dr. apt for Monday next week. I cant stand it any longer, and I want to try and get a ultrasound. If I can get one next week and then one again in two weeks when I am actually 8 weeks I will feel sooooo much better! At least I can be reasured.
In other news I was really pissy today. We have been working on bringing our credit score up by 24 points so we can get a better rate on the house we plan on buying and so we have been making sure everything has gotten paid on time for the last 3 months, so the agent we are working with said 3 weeks ago that they would pull the report again "in a couple weeks" and see how it was looking.....well we have heard nothing! I made Andy call today and he had to leave a message and it was never returned. I knwo this is silly but these people were calling us everyday a month ago, and now nothing! I am just anxious and I really want to get on the ball with this. We have to be out of this house by February and there is NO WAY I can move then, I will be huge! I want to find out if we get the house so we can close on it by December 1st and get the tax credit but also so we can start talking to the landlord about moving out sooner than February due to the circumstances. GRRRR! This is all so frustrating! I just hope they will call tomorrow with some good news.
Ok well I gotta run, the kid is in the tub, I am tired, and I am getting grumpier by the minute :o) Talk to you soon!

5 weeks

Well I am officially 5 weeks along now. I am just praying everthing will be ok with this pregnancy. I am one of those paranoid people who worry terribly about every little thing. Right now I am just worried that since we told everybody something bad will happen. I keep trying to busy myself with planning and not thinking about bad things only good. In fact today I just realized how busy the next 9 months are going to be. Not only will I be pregnant, but I will be super busy and stressed trying to plan our wedding! Its going to be very hectic lol. I am glad though because I will be able to be busy and not thinking the worst all the time. I have been trying to busy myself with looking up all the new kinds of baby gear online. Its changed so much in the 4 years since Riley its not even funny! At least this time we are financially able to purchase things, I guess we were before but not new things, and not a lot. This baby is actually going to have its own room and I am actually going to get to decorate it. I am very excited for this, poor Riley didnt get but a small cubby. I think we will also purchase a new bedroom set for Riley as well and redo her room so she doesnt feel left out. She is very excited for the baby though and I know she will want to help. Ok well now that I have rambled on and on I am going to sign off and take a shower. I am feeling a bit hungry so I should prolly have a snack as well :o) Talk to you soon!